In Memory Of…….

“In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.”- Aeschylus

Whenever I may be asked to define “2020” in the future I would simply define it as the year of death, to me it simply means this year is one in which the harvests go to die, firstly, you might wonder why I am sounding so wretched and angry, but I think I deserve to be angry because in less than 4 months I already lost 3 relatives, and then it is often said that no funeral is too tiny, because life is worth it, so three funerals is a whole lot. And then there is the effect of death on the living because the dead are in a state of limbo emotionless, but the living still has emotions to show. The first, was a distant uncle, at first I wondered how we were related until I realized all humans irrespective of race, and ethnicity were all cousins, and although we might want to segregate along DNA lines, to reach a state of common sense, I can tell you with so much profound respect that no matter our genetic differences, we are simply all RELATED, I was still battling this disparity till the cold morning when I saw him lowered into the grave that was dug for him, I couldn’t help but let out a sigh of sadness, the only difference that existed between us was simply that he was dead and I was not, oftentimes humans are fond of seeing death as being only the grief of our close relative, but we are mostly wrong, for every life that is lost, we should mourn regardless. That day I stared at the clouds, it remained blank, I couldn’t eat and I felt sick, maybe because I felt I was wrong to have questioned my relationship with him, my conscience judged me, specifically making me see how selfish I became. But to be honest, it was a fair judgement and I was wrong because he was family, he was my mum’s step-sibling.

As if life was a comedy show, a few weeks ago, I lost another uncle, and then it dawned on me that life had a sense of humour, this uncle was even much closer to me than the previous, we shared the same blood and I was sure our DNA might be precise too as much decimal points as the number of hair on my skin. The funny part about this second situation was that I saw him the day before he gave up the ghost, I must commend my bravery because I didn’t think I was up to it. I saw life in its fragility, my mum had made a comment that day, “He is dead, but his heart had not stopped beating” I wondered what she meant, but seeing him that way still breathing but not moving I knew she was right but something in me clung to the hope that maybe a miracle could happen, but I was only selfish. I remember making a point to my relatives that no one, should not disturb his rest and their movements around the room wouldn’t let him sleep, because I noticed he was still very much responsive to stimulus, so he was left alone. I want you to have it in mind that, this uncle of mine was a really strong and brilliant man he was a great hunter. Although I had it in mind that, in my family, they don’t die so easily, they usually wrestle it out with death, and he wasn’t the first that would die twice. But for me, seeing a brave man like that felled by death, looking so weak and frail didn’t look like a fair battle, death won flawlessly but at least the only consolation I had was that my wish was granted and he was allowed to rest, less than 24 hours after we left, we were informed he had stopped breathing (the second death), at least he died honourably. All this while, I couldn’t shed a tear, even after seeing him the previous day, and I couldn’t sleep out of fear but out of genuine care about his soul, and even when I saw his body wrapped in white and lowered in his grave I still didn’t shed a tear, even while everyone cried, including my mum, I wanted to be strong for her, although she didn’t ask for it and she constantly looked at me, asking me if I was alright, I managed to muffle “Yes” but I wasn’t, I wanted to cry, I really begged for tears, even while I write this, I feel sorrowful but I can’t bring tears to my eyes, and for that, I feel so selfish, “maybe I didn’t care enough”, I simply suggest to myself, so instead I smile and try to be strong. But it didn’t change any fact, he was dead, and I am making it all about me, but to be honest, I wasn’t ready for death for myself or anyone’s, although I usually paraded myself as not fearful of death, I was wrong, and I would strongly advise you to be scared of death, and yes God has power over death but, even on the cross, Christ knew the severity of his sacrifice and called out for his father. After this experience, I told God I was done with funerals, at least this year, but then life felt I had not learnt the lesson enough, last night my sister called me, I lost another aunt. This particular aunt, I still saw a few weeks back and I tried again to cry while recollecting the memories but still there weren’t any tears, I went on YouTube and searched for the saddest movies or videos, watched and still no tears, I slept off defeated. Maybe there is a biological reason, why I am unable to grief like everyone else, or maybe my tears bud had simply dried up, maybe I need to cut onions or replenish it some way, I am still unsure about that, but it still doesn’t change the fact that she was still dead and gone. And then I tried to logically think my way out of this whole situation but I am unable to because you simply can’t rationalise death.

These few stories about the past few weeks in my life aren’t to garner any pity and be sure that I am not wallowing in any form of self-pity, and I am not sharing this as a way to disrespect the dead, I just want to use this medium to inform us all that we must understand that death is real, and it would come to us all, although we might be unaware of the when and how it is indeed a constant. I hope we all take life, easy and live according to the will of God, for those of us that are religious, and for those that don’t believe In God, I can only hope he shows himself to you, or you live your life according to the laws of nature and I employ us all to be kind. For those of us that might only wonder why I am making another person’s death personal, the answer is simple, “DEATH IS A PERSONAL SACRIFICE TO THE DEAD, AND THE LIVING MUST MOURN THEM” there is nothing simple about death. Cherish every moment, be kind to everyone, make memories with your friends, families and loved ones, tomorrow is never promised. And in conclusion, the happiest day of my life was the day I held a newborn child, and now I already see the thing line between life and death, “for a life to be given, a life had to be taken, that’s the balance of nature” and I hope the dead rest in absolute peace in the bosom of the highest, and I pray God, gives the living the strength to continue surviving in this harsh world. Thank you for reading, kindly say a word of prayer and take a minute of silence in reverence to all the people who have died this year. To the universe, I already learnt, “NO MORE”.

P.S: THIS IS NOT FICTION, and I won’t take any responsibility for how you choose to interpret this article.

The day I ascended

First, I saw the crows

Then the doves

At that point, I felt my soul begin to leave my body

At least, I was at peace

By God.